Asking for an Apology (Part 2)

One of the most popular posts on this blog is one I wrote more than two years ago, about asking for an apology.  At least once a day, someone somewhere searches for the phrase “asking for an apology” or “how to ask for an apology” and finds my post.

Unfortunately, some who find the post will be disappointed because I do not actually explain how to ask for an apology.  So I decided to remedy that today.

First, a disclaimer:  I do not believe that those people searching for “how to ask for an apology” are searching for the right thing.  Asking for an apology is actually pretty easy.  “You owe me an apology” will do it.  The harder part – the part that people really need help with – is in telling someone else why they owe you an apology.  And that is what I want to help with.

1.  Raise your concern about a specific act or specific pattern of behaviour.  “You were an hour late meeting me” or “The last three times we’ve arranged to meet, you’ve been very late.”  Do not say something like:  “You are always late” or “Why can’t you get it together and be on time?”  Also resist attacking the person’s character:  “You don’t care about anyone but yourself!”
2. Tell the person how their actions effect you:  “When you are late to meet me, I feel like you don’t care about my time” or “I feel frustrated if I don’t know when you will arrive and I have to wait.”
3. Then pause.  Give the other person a chance to say something.  Maybe he or she will take the opportunity to apologize.  Maybe not.  Unfortunately, you risk the other person saying something like, “Gee, you’re so uptight.  What’s the big deal about being a few minutes late?”
4. If that happens – if the person you’re addressing attacks you or mounts a vigorous defense instead of apologizing – what you should do next depends very much on your relationship.  Is this someone with whom you can have a calm discussion?  Is this someone who is incapable of a genuine apology?  Is this someone you simply must get along with, such as a family member?  Unfortunately, there is no pat formula for what you should do.  But see the next step.
5. Apology received or not, you can say something like this:  “In the future, I would like you to…try harder to be on time or … call me if you’ll be late or …whatever you think would improve the situation for you.

Asking for an apology – and especially telling someone why you feel you deserve an apology – is risky.  Yet if you don’t do it, the person who has upset you may never understand the effect that their words or actions have had, and your relationship may never be the same.  You have to decide for yourself if taking the risk and asking for an apology is the right thing to do.

Disgust - New Post at Nautil.us

What do we really mean when we say that we are "disgusted" by someone's actions? Do physical and moral disgust share a common origin or do we simply borrow the rhetoric of disgust to show strong disapproval? I discuss some recent thinking on these issues in "Misdeeds & Disease: How Similar are Disgust and Moral Disgust?" a post for "Facts so Romantic" the blog of Nautil.us, a new science magazine.

Condo Law Digest – November 2013

Ottawa-Carleton Standard Condominium Corporation No. 671 v. Friend, 2013 ONSC 5775 (CanLII)
Decision Date: October 9, 2013
http://canlii.ca/t/g0x7z

At a meeting of owners in November 2008 it was decided that the water meters would be replaced with energy meters, so that the energy costs for each unit could be fairly determined.  The condominium agreed to pay for the purchase and installation of the new meters.  After about a year meters had been replaced in 49 of the 50 units.  The owners of the remaining unit, Mr. and Mrs. Friend, advised the corporation that they would allow access to their unit only under certain conditions.  The condominium found these conditions unacceptable and informed the Friends that if they did not provide access for the purpose of installing the new meter they would ultimately be required to pay the installation costs themselves.  Over the next 18 months the corporation continued to request access to the unit and warned the Friends about the possibility of bringing a court application.  The Friends continued to refuse access, a court application was brought, and a case conference was held in November 2012.  At that time it was agreed that a new water meter would be installed, and that payment for the installation, obligations to pay outstanding water charges, legal costs and various bylaw violations related to storing sports equipment on the unit’s balcony, would be the subject of a future hearing.

At the hearing, Judge Maranger found that the condominium acted in a manner that was “fair and reasonable” and that the respondents (particularly Mr. Friend), “simply decided that the rules of the condominium were not going to apply to him.”  He ordered the Friends to comply with all bylaws, and to pay for installing the meter, for outstanding water charges as calculated by the condominium, and for $15,000 in legal costs incurred by the corporation.

Comment:  I can only quote the judge: “That a matter such as this ended up in Court is unfortunate, the cost consequences here are 5 to 10 times the value of the claim.”


A follow-up to two cases I reported in the September Condo Law Digest:



In Green v. York Condominium Corporation No. 834 and ThyssenKrupp Elevator (Canada) Ltd. the plaintiff was ordered to pay to the defendant $20, 000 in legal costs and over $8000 in disbursements.

In 673830 Ontario Limited v. MTCC 673 the plaintiff was ordered to pay the defendant costs in the amount of $15 000.